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Every so often, a film comes along that makes me question my sexual being, challenges my womanhood, and plays to my oldest erotic fantasies--well, this film is *not* it!

I do *not* know where late (great!) man-director Stanley Kubrick *thought* he was going with this ill-written-Kidman-shittin' tri-year demo reel, but hand-in-hand, he and Tom Cruise drive it right into the Hollywood landfill--along with Deep Rising, Men in Black, Gone Fishin', and Charlie Sheen (among precious others). It was a big *steaming* pile of possum dirt and I *didn't* like it!

Arggghhh!

Misogyny abounding, cock-hard-Kubrick lives out his eternal masturbatory fantasies vicariously through Bill Hartford, a not-so-average Manhattan doctor (yeah, right) played by Cruise.

Grrrrr...

First off, I do *not* like that female-degrading-ego-inflating Tom Cruise and I *don't* have to take his man-crap! His flagrant crimes against the *superior* side of the human coin (no 'heads or tails' puns!) stretch far and wide, from Risky Business to Jerry Maguire.

Verdict? Guilty!

All women in his long line of suspiciously lucrative dog-fests portray some little sex bomb only there to augment his otherwise pathetic manhood, and to (unsuccessfully) placate the *far* more intellectually-inclined, sans-testosterone section of hack-act Cruise's should-be-would-be vacant audience--I do *not* like him!

Handling the previously mentioned honors in his latest insult is none other than his own real-life wife, Nicole Kidman, who surprisingly gets no special treatment. Yeah, we all know she'd be some rare Australian crack-whore in Compton without the professional safety wheels of Cruise's hand in marriage. Pathetic.

Anyway...

So Dr. Bill and Alice (Kidman) are sitting in bed, smoking dope and arguing about impending and past extramarital affairs, in a believable scene that ends with Cruise and Kidman parting ways for the night in a cloud of marital angst. And thus, the film predictably leads to controversial Entertainment Tonight scene, after controversial Entertainment Tonight scene...

Blah, blah, blah...

This film has all the momentum of Karl Childers on Prozac. I felt like kicking Kubrick square in the nuts halfway through the *terrible* "orgy" sequence, but I guess God saw the final cut and beat me to it!

This film was a big *steaming* pile of rold-gold-dog-logs and I *didn't* like it! Unlike hard-on Kubrick's underachieving film career, this blatant offense to Humans of the female persuasion will *not* be soon forgotten. Goddamnit! Grrrr..

Remember, men, there are more of us on this Earth than you, so you better just watch yourself. Your rule *certainly* won't last, and Eyes Wide Shut in all its supreme gender prejudice glory may (and will) just come back to haunt you. So watch out... *sigh*

What a waste of time, I'm outta here...

- Helen the Dyke